Compassion and Forgiveness

By Trish Briggs

Once upon a time, I had the unfortunate experience of having to deal with an ‘evil’ stepmother who was the antithetical opposite of my mother. She made my mother, with all her faults appear like a saint. My stepmother's main mode of operandi was to separate my father from any contact with his immediate family and then convince him that we were the ones choosing the separation. We had to talk to her to get to him, and then it was hit or miss. Everything for her was about possessiveness and control. I had never had the misfortune to deal with anyone like this before and since. 

I called her evil, but she really was not evil. In hindsight, I made the mistake of expecting certain things from her, comparing her to my mother, and when she fell short, I judged her. I can say this now, but it took me years of self-healing work to reach this point. This does not make her a better person. She clearly had issues, intentionally hurt other people, and did things that were highly inappropriate. This is the reality of her. I can see her for who she is and not through the haze of a myriad of emotions.

It took me a while to realize that a lot of my emotions, especially my anger was really directed at myself and not her. In essence, I gave my power away to her. Back then I had no boundaries in place to protect myself and as I accepted her into the mother role, I naively gave love, expecting love in return. I was angry at myself for making myself vulnerable by seeing only positive within her, and not seeing the overall reality, the toxicity of the situation. 

Forgiveness is an energy that flows through us. It activates the heart and allows us to release and let go of feelings so we can forgive. By facing myself, not her, I resurrected love and compassion for myself during the healing process. Essentially, I forgave myself. This was the hard part and what took the longest. After I removed the emotions that I had directed towards myself, it was relatively easier for me to forgive her. I didn’t forgive her for her behavior and actions; they were inappropriate and a reflection of her issues. She has self-responsibility for those. I did accept her for who she was. I forgave her for the negative impact she had on my life.

Forgiveness is a long process clouded with emotions. Recently after further healing work, I came to realize that I had not allowed myself to be angry at my father for bringing her into our lives and allowing this to happen. This entailed another layer to my self-healing work. It was relatively easy to find compassion and forgiveness for my father. (Just like her, he has self-responsibility for his behavior and actions.) The hardest part of healing remains facing myself and finding the compassion and forgiveness for myself.