Identity Crisis

By Trish Briggs

“Like everyone I have weaknesses and strengths. I have always tried to be the best person that I could be. Sometimes I fell short of doing an outstanding job on a project or even a relationship or being a parent. It wasn’t because I hadn’t tried my best it was because I didn’t have the necessary skills at the time. Everything improves with age and experience. What skills I didn’t have yester year are either a work in progress or obtained by this year.”

Do you see what I just did? I confused who I am with what I do. I think it was a gradual shift over time. It is so subtle I missed it as it was happening. When I was younger and didn’t have a lot of experience, I knew who I was because that was what I relied on to get me through. I know the qualities that were mine like stubborn, caring, sensitive, forgiving, patient, loyal, etc. But when you enter a career, and this includes the career of motherhood, you find yourself being measured by what you have accomplished. 

In the business world, your performance is measured this way because it is objective, not subjective. This is very evident at review time. It is also the underlying principle of a resume or curriculum vitae. Especially the later where all your projects, articles, presentations, etal. are listed in chronological order for the reader. That piece of paper represents you. But does it?

Unfortunately, many of us (me included) start believing it does. What happens if you are no longer able to work or perform? Does that make you less then? It shouldn’t because you are still you, the person behind what is listed on the paper. But it did for me.

I fell at work in 2015 and broke my neck (simplifying here) and had to have surgery. I no longer could perform my duties as a bedside nurse, so I was forced into early retirement. I was unprepared for this premature shift mentally and financially. 

It was in the aftermath of this trauma that I realized my identity was linked firmly to my career. Somewhere I had lost sight of the qualities that I possess that made that career possible. I felt like I was a failure. I looked at the list of everything that I had accomplished with the mindset that nothing new was going to be added to the list. My life was over as a nurse, and I felt lost mentally and emotionally. I didn’t want to be around my friends who were mostly nurses because it only highlighted what I had lost. So, I isolated myself. I lost confidence in who I was. I eventually realized that I was in a full-blown identity crisis and alone.

I dug myself out of this hole that I had dug gradually as I healed. I reclaimed all the qualities that I possessed, along with adding a few new ones. Today, I honor all the qualities that make me who I am. I realize that these qualities are what made that curriculum vitae possible. I did look back and wonder when did my mindset shift and my identity became my career without my knowing. I really think it happened after I got my master’s in nursing and began putting together my curriculum vitae. I felt pleasure and pride when I could add another accomplishment to the list (My taskmaster aspect). My focus shifted from me and to my accomplishments. I became objective about who I was instead of subjective, and in the process, I lost sight of me. 

This experience makes me more sympathetic for people who have difficulty with retirement. It is a major life transition that is barely acknowledged as having the potential to be more traumatic then joyful, especially in the beginning when you are hit with emotions and feelings that you never expected (because no one talks about it).